Spam

Spam, we all get it, and we all loathe it. Sometimes though it can be a source of great amusement.

Take this one for example.

My specific is used to remedy cavernous breakdown,
also far-famed as impotence. This is when a male cannot procure, or save,
a rocklike vertical phallus suitable for sexual action.

My narcotics is :
# apt to be used as a execution enhancer
# has some vantage over another tablets
# can function for four days
# can fabricate up in the torso

It is obvious that someone with little knowledge of English is trying to sell me Viagra, Cialis, or something similar. After all, erections are a big business these days.

Now I am not sure about the rest of you, but I have never had a "cavernous breakdown" . Much less one that needed a remedy such as this. I mean what exactly is that anyways? Is it when you go buy a Hummer because of your obvious inadequacies, and then realize that by buying one you have made it in to an innie?

I do like the term "rocklike vertical phallus suitable for sexual action" and will be using the phrase as much as possible.

Then we come to "apt to be used as a execution enhancer". In all my years I have never thought about my member being capable of enhancing an execution. How would that work? Does being fully erect help when you are chopping someone's head off, or pulling the switch on the electric chair? I can find no reference to that anywhere on the internet. And let me tell you, searching google for erection+execution+enhancement brings up some really messed up web pages.

Then they tell me that I "can function for four days". I think having an erection for four days would be rather inconvenient. It certainly would make hanging out with your friends rather awkward.

But who knows. Maybe having one for four days that can enhance execution, remedy a cavernous breakdown, and give you a rocklike vertical phallus suitable for sexual action would be a good thing. Of course if you did have all that I think the police would want to talk to you.

The shortest month part 2

Apparently I am not going to able to sleep until I do this, so here it goes.

We left the dentist's office to meet my uncle who was waiting with the car outside. The threat of rain had turned in to just that. We made it home and my mom gave me a pill for the pain while my uncle mixed up some homeopathic concoction for me. He gave me a cup with a red liquid in it "This will keep the swelling down, don't worry it is not clove oil or anything (just rent the damn movie)." I just smirked, drank it down and went upstairs to sleep.

I heard a ringing sound in my dream, but I had no idea from where it was coming from. Slowly I opened my eyes and could see that it was coming from the cheap plastic phone on the floor next to my bed. I picked it up and said "hello". On the other end was my friend David.

"Hey, Alec it's David."

"Hey man, sorry I got my wisdom teeth yanked today. I am still a bit foggy from whatever they gave me for the pain."

His voice did not sound like the happy pseudo hippy that he was.

"Um, yeah that sucks man, but I have some bad news."

"Uh, okay. What's up."

"It's Sean, he, he was in a wreck earlier."

"Well is he okay. He's not in the hospital or anything is he?"

"No, he's um, he's dead."

At this point the world stopped. I still remember the way the room looked, smelled, and felt. I can still hear David's voice on the other end of the phone. It is like I took a snapshot of everything around me.

I managed to gain some sort of composure and asked him how it happened.

"He was driving down East Ponce and got sideswiped by someone. I am not sure on the details since I just found out."

I was wide awake by now and starting to lose my mind a little.

All I could think to say was "What happens now?"

"Not sure. I am still losing it over here with Eric. Once we know something we will give you a call. We gotta call some other people though."

"Oh, yeah. Me too." and we both hung up the phone.

I sat up in bed and absentmindedly pounded my head against the wall behind me. This could not be real. My best friend is not fucking dead. I hit my head harder and harder thinking that whatever this was, it was still a dream or nightmare. I managed to fight back an uncontrolable sobbing long enough to make some phone calls.

Later on that day I found out where the service would be. I don't really remember what happend from then until I went to the service on Thursday.

The only thing that really sticks out in my mind from the service was standing outside the church before hand. All of his friends gatherd around and all anyone could say to me was "So, how are your wisdom teeth?" I guess no one really wanted to say what they really felt until later.

That was when most of us went over to a park by my house.

Before I get in to that I guess I should talk about the man himself. Sean was the type of guy that no matter what you did, you always had a good time. He taught me a lot in the four years that I knew him. We had met in the parking lot of a Taco Bell a few years before and we instantly hit it off.

One of the things he showed me was the joys of VW ownership. Together we turned my 83 VW Rabbit from mild mannered economy car in to a small euro racer that would eat a Mustang five liter alive (back in 1992 that was important to me). He also showed me ,on a road trip to get fireworks, that a fuel line on a 63 VW Bug can be fixed with a plastic drinking straw and a paperclip.

But I think my favorite tale of ours was told in the park that day.

We had been all smoking up in the park talking about the weird shit Sean used to do when his cousin Eric mentioned "the show".

Sean and I had gone to see some punks bands play near GA State in downtown Atlanta. In proper punk rock form we had chugged a couple of quarts of Mickey's before we went in. During the show, which was in some old ass warehouse, we drank even more and had reached complete and total ugh (the final of several stages of drunkeness). This made the pit a lot more fun for us.

After the show we, and some other random people, were hanging out, shooting the shit, and trying find good places to puke. This is when Sean reared up and shouted "Fuck this shit! We are going to DC right now. I want to pull up to the Capitol building, play some Dead Kennedy's, dance on the steps, and then whip out my dick and piss all over the front door!" I being his loyal cohort said "Fuck yeah!" and fell over in some bushes.

He picked me up and we were off, stumbling through downtown trying to remember where we parked the car. After a while we had given up on ever finding the car and found ourlselves lost in downtown. We had made our way to what we thought was the right place that would lead us home, but instead ended up on the GA Capitol steps. I still think that he planned it that way, but one will never know. Since we knew that we would never make it to DC, the two of us decided that this was as good as any place.

So we drunkenly danced up the steps, well, more stumbled and fell up the steps. We got to the top and both of us whipped em out and pissed all over the front door. The only thing we missed was having some tunes to back us up. Afterwards we ran from the State Patrol that happened to be stationed at the State Capitol, but I think they just wanted us off the property because they gave up chase after two blocks.

Eventually we did find the car. After all a Super Beetle painted up like the Rastafarian flag is kind of hard to miss.

We all like to think that people go to a better place when they die. I hope Sean is in one now, but mainly, I just miss my friend.

Oddly enough I kept thinking about Hunter S Thompson and a line from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Since he too is not with us anymore (Committed suicide on Sunday) I thought this fit.

There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. Some kind of high powered mutant never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die.

The shortest month part one

Or how I came to hate the month of February.

February 21st, 1994.

The day was what one expects for late February. Cold, grey, and the threat of rain. I had that week off from work because I had an appointment with the dentist. I was scheduled to get my wisdom teeth pulled at eight a.m., so I was up far earlier than I wanted to be.

My uncle was visiting from Connecticut and was giving me a hard time about going to the dentist. He knew that I really hated the dentist and had rented the movie Marathon Man for me a few days before. So yeah, I really did not want to go. To make matters worse my uncle came along for the ride when we left. On the way there he kept saying "Is it safe?" in his best German accent. Thankfully it was a short drive over and I was spared any more torture.


Once I arrived is when the real fun began. I was nervous enough already, but the dentist decided to continue the "let's fuck with Alec" day. He explained the procedure in great detail and said things like "If you wake up during the extraction you might hear cracking sounds. Do not be alarmed by this." "Yeah right, if I wake up during this and hear cracking sounds I plan on bolting from the chair, you fucking sadist." is what I was thinking, but all I could say was "eeep". He just grinned and took my hand to stick the IV in. "Now you might feel a little prick." "What kind of dentists office is this?" I thought to myself. Then he asked me to count down from 100 while whatever drug made its way in to my blodstream. I made it as far as "wuhh" and then I was out like a light.

I am not sure what happened during the time I was out, but I fear it had something to do with midgets, hookers, and copious amounts of opium. No, wait that was the weekend before this.

Anyhow. When I woke up I was in a different room, lying on a bed of some sort. My mom was staring at me and through the haze I heard her say "How are you feeling?". My brain said "Fine, I want to go home", but what came out of my mouth was more "Fuh, I wuh who go home". I sat there for a second thinking that what I said did not sound right, so I tried it again. "Fuh, I wuh who go home", dammit, there it was again. That is when the dental assistant came over and told me to open wide. She reached her fingers in and pulled out what must have been four to five pounds of cotton. It was in the form of those little round cylinders that only dentists seem to use. This left me with a mouth completely devoid of moisture. I was still a bit foggy, but I managed to get out "That was in my mouth? Damn, I had no idea that much could fit in there...hey how did I get in here?" I said as I noticed the decor had changed from sterile medical room to bad 70's lounge. "Oh, we carried you in here." said a woman that could have not been more than five feet tall. I looked at her with a confused smirk and she piped in with "It took four of us, but we managed." I just nodded and finally said "I want to go home." With that my mom led me out to the car.


Part two should be up tomorrow. It is what happend later that day, but I am still trying to decide if I should post it.

Trying to write something that I will post tomorrow. I have been writing it in my head since Christmas, but it is not the easiest thing for me to talk about.

I should have done this years ago.

But for some reason the words get lost from brain to hand.

Damn central nervous system.

Make with the clicky.

First we have this which is an ad for some sort of Estonian food product. I have had acid trips that were not this messed up. The same director of that lovely gem also did this one. I think it is an ad for ice cream, but it could be one for, well, I will let you figure that one out for yourselves.

From the same region we have a scientist with either a weird fetish, or well, I think he just has a weird fetish. You see, he has made a condom that plays music. Not only does it play music, but it gets louder the sex gets more vigorous. The best part of it has to be that it will play a different song for each position. I will only get them if it will play Ride Of The Valkeries. Other songs that might work are "Don't Stop Me Now" - Queen, "Sledgehammer" - Peter Gabriel, "Are You Experienced?" - Jimi Hendrix, and "Bull in the Heather" - Sonic Youth. Now if it could play the song Final Countdown right about the time of climax it would be an instant hit.

This last one is for someone who has not seen the "Lightning bolt, lightning bolt" video of LARPERS gone wild.


Oh yeah, one more thing. I am going straight to hell for this one.

AIM chats with Eddie

BockChoyAvenger: So I keep seeing rumblings about them extending the draft to 34 years old.

aellingson92: I guess keeping up with being crazy will come in handy after all.

BockChoyAvenger: I swear to god if I get drafted #1 I'm going to be very pissed #2 I'm showing up to my physical on enough acid to kill a small horse.

aellingson92: If I do I plan on just trying to rape the recruitment officer.

BockChoyAvenger: bwahahahahahahhahaha.

aellingson92: while repeating "You're a good man Charlie Brown."

BockChoyAvenger: still laughing you bastard.

aellingson92: While wearing a great pumpkin suit.

For reals

My friend Mark and I have decided that when someone asks "So what are we doing tonight?" We will just say "We can awsome."

And this Friday we will be awesoming at Bites and Brews in Shadyside for the Guinness toast. For reals.

Fear the Willow.

This is just the first draft of this and will be edited at some point, but I really needed to get this written down somewhere.

The fetishes of others are something I have never really been concerned with. I have always believed that as long as you are not hurting someone else, that you should go with it. It is also known as "what ever floats your boat."

But when I found out about a certain one, it made me cringe.

Back in 1997 I was living with my friend Spencer who I also happened to work with. We were both drivers for a restaurant delivery company in Atlanta. The job allowed us loads of cash for a minimal amount of work. That and we rarely had to be up before two p.m., so it also gave us the opportunity to drink copious amounts of liquor on an almost nightly basis. One of these nights was when I found out that some people are just plain ill in the head.

After work one night we decided to go on a whirlwind tour of our favorite watering holes and maybe find a few new ones. We started out at a place called MJQ. MJQ was a bar that was known for being hard to find. Mainly because when you pulled up all you saw was a small shack in the middle of a huge parking lot. Since both of us had been there many times in the past we knew that the shack had a stairwell in it that led own to the club.

Once we had made our way in to the cavern like club we both headed straight for the bar. Lucky for us Jenn (not her real name, well it could be, but it has been so long I forgot what it was. Damn my gin soaked memory) was working, so that meant free drinks for me and Spencer.

As we were sitting at the bar shooting the breeze with Jenn about, well, I am not really sure what we talking about, but I am pretty sure it had something to do with monkeys. Anyways, after a while of imbibing spirits a waifish looking woman at the other end of the bar waved to get Jenn's attention. She went over to talk to her while Spencer and I finished our drinks up. After she came back we explained that we were heading off to the next bar on our little voyage. As we left Spencer asked Jenn what the girl she talked to had wanted. Jenn just shrugged and said "My ex asked her out and she wanted to know if it was cool if she went out with him. I have no problem with hit, we broke up eons ago." And with that we were out the door. The rest of the evening was more of the same, I think. Well, Spencer did manage to drink himself sober, but that is a story for another time.

A few weeks later Spencer and I were winding down our night at work by trying to decide what to do afterwards. We wanted to do something other than go drinking, but were at a loss to find anything more entertaining than that. So we hit the bars again. I am still not really sure when we ended up at MJQ again, but at some point I was sitting at the bar staring down at a gin and tonic that had mysteriously been placed in front of me. I looked up and there was my savior, Jenn. She was overly animated on this evening, but Spencer and I could not figure out why. That is when I heard the following.

Jenn came up after giving us our drinks and asked "Were you two here a few weeks ago when that girl asked me about my dating my ex?"

Drunkenly we nodded and I might have managed a "Uh, yeah, but I am not sure on that.

She went on "Holy shit, you are not going to believe what happened today. That girl called me up earlier, bawling."

Spencer and I looked at each other, shrugged and he asked her "Ok, I'll bite. What was she crying about?"

"Well, she called me up and I could barely understand her. She was doing that deep sobbing while trying to talk thing. You know what I mean?"

I piped in with "Like a little kid type of crying?"

"Yeah, exactly. Anyways, I finally got her to calm down and asked her what was wrong. She stared to tell me about how she and Steve (the ex-boyfriend of Jenn, but like before I am not sure if that was his real name or not) had gone to pick up some movies. Afterwards they went back to his place and popped one to watch. "

Spencer interrupted her with "Wait, that is the big deal? She watched a movie with him."

"No dumbass, you need to let me finish."

He gave her a sheepish grin and apologized.

"Okay. As they were making out, things started getting a little heavy between them. She was getting in to it when all of a sudden he just stopped. She said 'He just sat back up and started watching the movie again. I thought that maybe I was a little too forward with him, or maybe he just did not like me.' I have never known him to turn down ass so I asked her if there was anything else. She started to stammer a bit and said 'Well I am not so sure I can tell you the rest.' "

Spencer and I were both confused by this point. Neither of us had ever heard of a guy just stopping while that close to getting laid.

She continued. "I finally got her to open a up a little bit and tell me what happened. 'At first I was a little confused, but I decided to let it slide since we had only been dating a couple of weeks. But after about ten minutes I looked over to ask him something and he was, um, he was beating off!'

This got some odd looks from Spence and myself. "He was choking the chicken, polishing his knob, and other assorted slang for jerkin it?" I quipped.

Jenn cut me off "Whoa, let me finish. You are as bad as he is. Anyhow, I asked her what movie she had been watching with him. I could tell there was some curiousity in her voice when she said 'Willow, why?' That is when I asked her if it was the scene with Willow and the faerie. She then blurted out 'How the fuck did you know that!?'


Because the guy had done it to Jenn too. That's right a man who gets off on faeries, or possibly midgets, or a combination of the two. In either case it was pretyy fucked up, but we found it hilarious.

Spencer was lucky, but I on the other hand was not. I happened to be taking a swig of my drink which ended up all over me, the bar, and a little bit on Jenn when I spewed it all over from laughing my ass off.

We both looked at her in a new light and told her just that. All she could do was shake her head and say "I let it slide too, but after he kept wanting to rent that movie I began to suspect something. I really should have warned her about that."

After Spencer and I had regained some sort of composure we left Jenn to the rest of her customers and headed out to the next bar.

On our short drive over we just kept saying "Willow" and giggling uncontrolably. Once we got to our destination, The Star Bar, I headed straight to the bar while Spencer grabbed a table for us. I got our drinks and started walking over to where Spencer was. As I walked up to the table Spencer had this look on his face like he had just seen a ghost. I asked him what was up and all he said was "Dude, the bartender you just got the beers from is him." "Him? what the hell are you...oh fuck. You don't mean.." Spencer cut me off, "Willow boy" was all he said.

The rest of that evening is kind of a blur. Partly due to the fact that we could not pour bleach on our brains to blot out the knowledge we had just gained, so we tried to drink it out. Or as Lizard and I often say "The visual is winning, the visual is winning!"

On one hand I am glad that I have this story to tell. On the other I can no longer hear the name Willow without a chill going down my spine.

Silly fun with computers

From time to time it is important to clean your screen. But what about the other side of it?


Well, wonder no more.

The cat has it all covered.

The goggles they do nothing!

After Lizards post about the stripper with the bad tit job I found this. Ugly Breast Implants

A site dedicated to bad boob jobs.

There are some other sites out there for just badly done plastic surgery, but they are all celebrities.

Of course the first entry on the BTJ site is about a porn stars freaky colagen injections. I have to say that she is quite scary looking.

Oh yeah, the site is in no way safe for work.

White Castle Recipes

This is wrong.

They expect me to take 12 White Castle burgers and combine that with some muffin bread and omelette mix poured on top, oh and the cheese.

I can save myself so much time by just tying off and mainlining some bacon grease.

Then I saw that there were more recipes and the cook in me had to dig deeper.

The first one is called Castle Balls and while the name makes me giggle, the recipe should be feared. Basically you take 10 burgers, an onion, 2 pounds of ground beef, eggs, your standard spices (salt and pepper), grind it up, and then bake it.

I would continue, but my arteries are hardening just by reading them.

How do I loathe thee, let me count the ways

I was talking with a friend on mine last night about work and jobs in general. He is well aware of my disdain for my current employer, but he did not know the extent of it. So he asked me how much I despise being here. After explaining it to him I came up with three things I would rather do than be here.

In no particular order.

I would rather eat my own face. Really, I would gladly carve up my own skin and dine on it raw.

Have my head set on fire and then have it put out with a sledgehammer. This would also prove entertaining to others.

And last, but certainly not least.

I would rather watch the death rattle of my only child.

That is the top three, but I am sure I could come up with a few hundred more.

And I thought I was fucked up.

My friend Eddie decided to send me this, which is a collection of medical case reports. Now you may be asking "Alec, why would we want to read a bunch of medical case reports?"

Simple. They are all reports about people who have gotten things stuck up thier butts.

Some can be understood like vibrators and the like. Some people like that kind of stimulation and, well, to each thier own I say.

But what the fuck would possess someone to mix up a batch of cement and then pour it in their own ass. When has that ever come up in normal conversation? "Hey Bob, I know things have been going so well for us, but I think our relationship would be even better if you took this bag of Readymix and poured in my ass." "Gee Chuck, I think you are right. Let me get a bucket and some water so we can get started."

What not to put in your tickets.

Ways in which to describe a user, or what a user should do using handy little acronyms and other assorted slang.

Pebkac. Problem exists between keyboard and chair. Simple enough for even the most useless support bob to understand.

RTFM. Read The Fucking Manual. "Why you are waiting for your PC to boot up for the first time, why don't you read the free novel that came with your computer. It is an engaing story about a man named Manual."

PICNIC: Problem in Chair, Not In Computer. See Pebkac.

TAE error: Thomas Alva Edison. aka "computers need electricity to run", or "it works better when it's plugged in/switched on".

ESO: Equipment Smarter (than) Operator. This is more the case than not, sigh.

Fiddler Virus: The condition that makes end-users screw around with their settings and thereby toast their application, computer, and/or network. "I was trying to free up some space on my PC, so I deleted the Windows directory." Yes, it has happened.

RWE: Replace with Etch-a-Sketch. What most users need to have done with their PC's

"DMBW" - Darwin May Be Wrong. Sometimes it really amazes me how many people have managed to survive as long as they have. These are the ones that shock you by finding their way back to work every day.

"IUD" - Irate (or Insane) User Damage. Like the ones that try and mount their new hard drives with three inch drywall screws. These also tend to be the same people that "clean" their PC's using non-standard methods. Like dishwashers.

Starfish: It's got a central body and five extensions, but no brains, and its mouth is also its anus. This type of user has a perpensity towards thinking they can do no wrong. Nevermind the fact that they called you for help. it cannot be their fault. The other ways to describe them are as follows. Fucking Assclown, Fuckwit, Fucktard, and poster child for forced sterilization.

FOBIO - Frequently Outwitted By Inanimate Objects. Good for those who are also known as 12-o'clock flashers - all the VCR's, clocks, etc in the house are flashing 12:00 because they don't know how to set them.

Add these all up and you have your average day on the help desk. Sad really.

That is why I tend to not be SWGaS (Someone who gives a shit).